My Husband Brings Out the Worst in Me

When my brother got married, he told me it's such a wonderful example of our relationship with God, and we can understand the love of God better. At that point I didn't really care about being married, but his words always stuck in the back of my head and now that I'm married I see how true that is. My husband and I have been married ten months. We aren't experts and I am expecting to learn a lot more than I have, but right now I have learned so much, about marriage, him and myself. I always wanted my marriage to be a certain way before I was married, and now I still have a way I want it to be, but it is different. My husband loves me, I know that. I believe it. But I have to believe it like I believe God loves me, because I am not perfect, because I am messed up, I don't always act as though I believe it. I have irrational thoughts, insecurities get the best of me, and sometimes I question his love and loyalty. If I sat down to think about it, I'd see my insecurity, but sometimes I don't, I believe the lies. This is just like God, we know he loves us, but we don't always act like it, we question it, because we can't understand it, instead of just accepting it as faith. My husband isn't perfect, but as long as he says "I love you" that is the only truth I can hold onto. I thought that when I met the right person, they would bring out the best in me. And maybe that is true, but to get to that good stuff, it's like cleaning out the garage, you have to pull out everything, and I do mean EVERYTHING, out into the open, in the driveway for people to see, so that you can find the good stuff. My husband brings out every ugly thing inside me. Every nasty thing in my heart is exposed. You can never know a real person until you've lived with them for a while, that's when you see all the junk. Much to my horror, I have completely exposed my ugly side to my husband, that side I thought we could keep hidden, but God said "nope!" He has allowed the differences in Jacob to pull out my ugly-ness and throw it away and its painful, frustrating, and hard! My flesh is crying out to be first! It wants its own way! It wants to be right! Who cares who gets hurt, I want to be right! My marriage is sandpaper to my flesh, it's rubbing away all the impurities and smoothing me out. We think we have a right to say the other person must change too, and maybe they need to, but like Jesus told Peter, don't worry about what he is doing or not doing in that other guy, worry about what he's doing in your life. I was reading a book for woman about marriage (books I loathe!!) and a reoccurring theme is that you can argue with your husband and end up being right, but you might also end up alone. Although this makes my flesh cringe, because I have to be right, it also brings life to my spirit. This is what Jesus teaches us, lay yourself down for your neighbor. He is taking out my junk and replacing it with his love and compassion, helping me to see clearly, so that when someone who has a need comes my way, I can see clearly to help them and not judge them. He is not just changing me for me, but for those around me, and he's using my marriage to do it. So if you're thinking of marriage, be ready to be changed. It's not flowers and romance that will make you a better person, its not really that other persons goodness that will change you, but rather it's the rough side of your spouse that will smooth out your selfishness, tear away your flesh and make you like Jesus. As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.

Who am I serving?

Maybe I don't know what culture shock is, but my understanding had been that it only happens in other countries or when you have spent a long time over seas and their culture starts to frustrate you or you go back "home" and "everyone is so selfish!". What I've learned from culture shock recently is this, it can hit you at any time, at any place, it's that moment when you realize you're stuck. When reality hits you. You've signed up for an assignment and you didn't realize what that was exactly. You feel claustrophobic, like stuck in a cave, everything seems black and hopeless. You lose purpose, you lose sense of who you are, what you're doing with your life. 

Moving from a northern culture that I was comfortable with to a southern culture that was less than home to me, was a shock. When I signed up for a missionaries life I knew it meant leaving my family, leaving my state and going wherever my Lord asked me to go, but I didn't know it meant Mississippi. I thought it meant the jungles of Colombia. The villages of India. The mountains of Papua New Guinea. The Great Wall of China. Not a small blimp on a map. 

This isn't the first time God has brought to my attention that my focus is on doing rather than being with him, but obviously I didn't learn it, because I still cry and pout that I'm not doing "great things for God". He never asked me to me to go the jungles or the villages and tribes, he asked me to obedient to go wherever he sent me, to do all that he asked, and to say all that he told me to say. Who am I serving? God or missions? What is my heart after, my God or myself? 

As we begin this New Year, I pose the same question to you. Who are you living for? God or self? Where will you spend your time, money and resources? Getting to know your creator or just doing? 

Rice Noodles

Cambodia and Vietnam are two different countries in so many ways. Beyond their different border lines, lay two different cultures; the opposite of each other, neither like the other. In Cambodia you saw smiling faces, there was joy on their hearts. They had hope. They had freedom. Vietnam was heavy. Not many smiles, no joy, there was little hope. On the outside they had buildings of beauty, but behind was their ugly past, that wasn't going to be easily erased. You found children abandoned, Christians persecuted; constant fear. Those who labor there every day have a lot of work ahead of them, but God's grace is sufficient. 

                House of Grace Children            

                        (Cambodia) 

The truth about a country as a whole is not fully seen in a couple of days, but first impressions speak volumes. There is still much labor to be done in both countries to bring in the harvest, but there are few workers. 

My time in Asia this time was vastly different from my first trip to China at 19. I was give the privilege to hold an orphans hand and extend love that might not have been there before; I spoke to underground church pastors and ate a lot of rice noodles. It was a wonderful time to meet fellow workers of Grace International and workers for the kingdom. 

I found that I didn't "feel" a particular call to either of these countries to be in full time, but what do I know about what tomorrow may bring?...

Full Hearts & Stomachs

It was probably the best day since we arrived in this humid, beautiful country. When you travel the world for the sake of travel, you soak in everything and see everything you can; when you travel the world for the sake of the gospel seeing those amazing sights, eating great food, having your nose filled with...interesting smells, they become a cherry on top, but they aren't the goal. 

This was Cambodia for me. I've been to many places and seen many things, but when I arrived here, although I enjoyed the dance through traffic and the noodles for breakfast, I wanted to get to the people and see their lives changed. The reason we had come here was to celebrate five years of the orphanage that Grace International had helped build. Which was a great event and a good time, we served by helping to put it together. But my favorite part of this trip was going to a nearby village and sharing the gospel and feeding them lunch. It was a joy to see them leave with full hearts and full stomachs. 

Cambodia is a a beautiful place with beautiful people. I am honored to have been a part of this event. To share in the joy of my brothers and sisters from across the world. 

Coming...back...

Stateside again. We arrived about two weeks ago and have been on transitional roller coaster the whole time. We stayed with family the first two nights, than proceeded to find our own place to live. So many times as missionaries we've tell good stories about sleeping in mud huts on the field and how awesome that is, but when it's in your own country it is different in some ways. In America we have this entitlement mentality, and when I walked into this woman's house that was falling apart, I felt that I was in America so I deserved to live better than this, but God gave me a spiritual slap and challenged me to what I thought made me better than this woman? No matter what direction my life had made, God has ALWAYS provided, he always gave me a place to stay, food to eat and a good place to shower. This was no exception, it wasn't the nicest place to stay, but it was a roof over my head and God had once again provided and for now this is my home, and I will thank The Lord. We stayed with this woman for two nights before we found a different room to rent with more privacy.

When I had agreed to marry Jacob, I knew that meant agreeing to move to Mississippi as my new stateside home. I knew we would be here for at least two years. After every missions trip I've ever done, I've always returned to my parents home even if only a season, but I'm not going there this time. This is home now. It's strange, I don't think it's hit me exactly. Mississippi is not a bad place, it's as hot as people said it would be, but it's not Oregon. The people and culture are different, and I'm not sure I like it yet. But it doesn't matter much what I think about it, God has called me here as much as he has called me to the nations in the rest of the world.

God is faithful. He knows my needs even before I say them, and he will always provide. He will provide a place to live as well as peace and grace for living in a new place. He will provide friends and jobs. He has always been there for me and I don't see him failing me now.

Marriage So Far.... Warning! Mushy!

Marriage is fun. After two months I am hardly an expert, but I do know that since I married my best friend it's been fun. Has it been easy? Even after two months I have to give out a big HECK NO! Do I sometimes make a growling sound because I'm trying to hold in my frustration? HECK YES. Do I get annoyed at the way he eats? Sleeps? Has different ideas than me? Doesn't think like me? Sure I do!!! But are there good times? You Bet! I get to hang out with my best friend ALL the TIME!!! Yes, that can get old after a while, even friends can get old and annoying, but like my dad told me, even one good moment makes you forget all those bad moments ( not exact quote).

Do I miss him when he's not around? Ya, I do. Do I love the way he holds my hand, or kisses me? How he cares about my opinion even when I don't have one? How he washes clothes BY HAND for me, even though he's just has tired as I am? Yes, I do love those things about him. 

Before you get married EVERYONE and THEIR MOTHER feels the need to give advice, and of course you take it with a smile. Some of it you keep, some of you chew around for a while, and some of it you through away immediately. But if I were to give advice, I wouldn't. Yes there are basic principles for marriage, but I can't tell you how your marriage will be, or what you should and shouldn't do, but I can say that marriage is fun. Enjoy it. Is God at the center? Than you're good to go. Singles? Don't be in a rush, I know you've heard it all before, but when it's God's timing it's perfect and work out your junk without someone else to distract you, it's the best thing you can give to your spouse and marriage. 

His-story

There are always many hard stories to hear from a missions field, but sometimes life is a little hard to hear and we need to share their stories. So here is another hard life story, (with a happy ending.) 

We marched behind him like soldiers. We knew we were headed into battle. "Mom" holding one hand and "Dad" had the other. The one who we defended, the one whom we stood for, was only about ten years old. 

Earlier than this moment we had had a service for the children of San Pablo, Guatemala. Not just a time to entertain them but to teach them to hear and respond to the voice of God. One little boy, Douglas, began to cry his heart out; he sobbed without stopping as Jacob held him, praying and encouraging him. We later found out that his dad was a drunk who beat his mom. We knew we could not let this boy go home without going with him to bring the church to his dad who refused to go to church. 

After lots of talking, prayer and persistence, the dad repented before God, received Jesus as his Lord, repented to his family and a rededication    of vows, we were able to leave the family with peace in our hearts and the glory of God resting on their home.