My Husband Brings Out the Worst in Me

When my brother got married, he told me it's such a wonderful example of our relationship with God, and we can understand the love of God better. At that point I didn't really care about being married, but his words always stuck in the back of my head and now that I'm married I see how true that is. My husband and I have been married ten months. We aren't experts and I am expecting to learn a lot more than I have, but right now I have learned so much, about marriage, him and myself. I always wanted my marriage to be a certain way before I was married, and now I still have a way I want it to be, but it is different. My husband loves me, I know that. I believe it. But I have to believe it like I believe God loves me, because I am not perfect, because I am messed up, I don't always act as though I believe it. I have irrational thoughts, insecurities get the best of me, and sometimes I question his love and loyalty. If I sat down to think about it, I'd see my insecurity, but sometimes I don't, I believe the lies. This is just like God, we know he loves us, but we don't always act like it, we question it, because we can't understand it, instead of just accepting it as faith. My husband isn't perfect, but as long as he says "I love you" that is the only truth I can hold onto. I thought that when I met the right person, they would bring out the best in me. And maybe that is true, but to get to that good stuff, it's like cleaning out the garage, you have to pull out everything, and I do mean EVERYTHING, out into the open, in the driveway for people to see, so that you can find the good stuff. My husband brings out every ugly thing inside me. Every nasty thing in my heart is exposed. You can never know a real person until you've lived with them for a while, that's when you see all the junk. Much to my horror, I have completely exposed my ugly side to my husband, that side I thought we could keep hidden, but God said "nope!" He has allowed the differences in Jacob to pull out my ugly-ness and throw it away and its painful, frustrating, and hard! My flesh is crying out to be first! It wants its own way! It wants to be right! Who cares who gets hurt, I want to be right! My marriage is sandpaper to my flesh, it's rubbing away all the impurities and smoothing me out. We think we have a right to say the other person must change too, and maybe they need to, but like Jesus told Peter, don't worry about what he is doing or not doing in that other guy, worry about what he's doing in your life. I was reading a book for woman about marriage (books I loathe!!) and a reoccurring theme is that you can argue with your husband and end up being right, but you might also end up alone. Although this makes my flesh cringe, because I have to be right, it also brings life to my spirit. This is what Jesus teaches us, lay yourself down for your neighbor. He is taking out my junk and replacing it with his love and compassion, helping me to see clearly, so that when someone who has a need comes my way, I can see clearly to help them and not judge them. He is not just changing me for me, but for those around me, and he's using my marriage to do it. So if you're thinking of marriage, be ready to be changed. It's not flowers and romance that will make you a better person, its not really that other persons goodness that will change you, but rather it's the rough side of your spouse that will smooth out your selfishness, tear away your flesh and make you like Jesus. As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.