My First Day Back - Jacob

As I step off the plane into the hot muggy air my heart melts into the very soil of this country. I hold back the tears as the feeling that I just arrived home over comes me, yet soon defeated by the realization that this time I'm not here to stay. So many thoughts and feelings flood my mind, excited to see friends and Peruvian family yet dreading the conversation that God is transitioning us to be based out of the states knowing most will not understand the testemony of God's many confirmations that lead to this point. I soon arrive home to smiling faces and walk into our home we have now given to our Peruvian team members. As we walk past our old room and enter the guest room I realize I truly am just a guest here. Confronted by the overwhelming feelings of joy for our friends that now get to enjoy this home while fighting small waves of jealousy that they get to stay and I don't. The next morning I wake up just before dark as I always did and went to make my ritual luke warm (so it didnt make me sweat) coffee. I fight the earge to rearrange the furniture to how I liked it remembering this is not my home. My morning God time is spent asking God a lot of questions, mostly WHY? Knowing God has brought us back to the states to expand and grow the ministry I still ask him why I can't stay here for good. My God time, as usual, is interupted by toddler footsteps and a few early morning dramatic whines over his lack of breakfast food options this country has to offer. I then began to wonder if Israel remembers this house, these smells, or riding around the neighborhood on the dirtbike together, or if he would recognize the village people that truly adore him.

Does he remember how lucky he was to live here, to spend his first 2 years of his life in a country that enjoys the simple things, or running around playing in the dirty street with the neighborhood kids?  As soon as he finishes breakfast he is already climbing my dirtbike and making reving sounds with his mouth, so around the neighorhood we go. A few hours later I walk to the cornerstore, which I did not know I missed doing so much, and arrive to big exagerated welcomes from the neighborhood kids and their parents saying how much they missed us and many asking about my health. They tell me they heard I was in the hospital for months, some heard I almost died and I respond with a chuckle and say "Nope, just parisites," knowing every story in this town gets more exagerated evertime it is told. Soon the visits start, people start coming to the house and we are met with many smiles and laughs that soon turn into long faces when we share we are not here to stay. Even worse when we share that we want to expand our ministry to other countries. They ask us why, as if Peru was not good enough for us or as if they had done something wrong. As they try to convince us that we have misheard God I explain that we are called to the nations, not just Peru. We tell them we will be in Peru a few months a year and that seems to ease some of the pain. That night we sat down with our Peruvian team members that now live in our house to visit and chat, for me and Noe as usual it turns into a ministry meeting as our wives roll their eyes and say "why do guys always have to talk about their work." With each  ministry topic I realize more and more this family is thriving in this home and God had raised them up for such a time as this. Sometimes I wonder which is the next country, or how many more times will I move, or say goodbye to a country, culture, and people I have dearly fallen in love with. I know this is the life I chose when I said YES to God, no matter what it would cost me. As I leave my melted heart stained in this land and watch the wind blow away my footprints in the dirt roads, I wonder if I have left a mark in this nation. God reminds me of the many salvations I have wittnessed,  and all the native  missionaries we are still sending out. It gives me  peace in knowing that these people may forget my name, or even my face, but they will never forget the day they felt the love of God for the first time or decided to answer the call no matter the cost.  These last few months in the States have not been easy by any means, but knowing that God is getting ready to expand our ministry more than we could imagine gives us comfort in being obedient even when its uncomfortable. I will remember to charish even more my time here and thank God for this ministry he has entrusted to us. I am excited to see what God has for us these next few weeks and years, where ever that may lead.

Counting the Cost

We traveled eight hours on a boat, it was a fast boat, on a slower boat it would have been twenty-four hours, so I was thankful it was fast, but still it was eight hours with a one year old who had just begun to discover that walking was his new hobby. The other not so exciting thing about an eight hour boat ride is not really wanting to go to the place you are headed. We live in a city in the selva, jungle, of Peru. It is not a very modern city, but the place we were traveling to was even less modern and the bugs were even worse. And without a fan, the heat really starts to get to you. But that isn’t was this story is about. We arrived in the village, said hello to friends and ate as usual. Then the next morning we got in another boat, a slow boat, for six hours. It was also a small boat. No room for walking. But again we made it. But again six hours is even less fun when you are not so sure you even want to be going where you are going. I became even less excited, if that were possible, once we arrived, because once our boat had stopped, I began to itch. My back, those hard to reach places, were on fire with itch. The bugs had welcomed me. I wanted to get back on the boat and leave right then, but of course we didn’t. Let's just say that this was the hardest two and half days of my life (but not really, it was hard though). The villages in Peru are a hard place to be, there is no relief from the heat, the bugs are every where and are always biting. There is constant dirt, it doesn’t matter how hard you try to keep everything clean (this isn’t a big deal to everyone though). I was volunteered into helping the cook, because well I am a woman and all women know how to cook, right? Wrong. Not this city girl (I never considered myself a city girl, but I know for sure I am not a native woman), basically what happened was I stood around looking helpful, while my native friend did everything and then I cleaned up (which I knew how to do). This village had been contacted once before, there were only a few believers at this time. That night we sat around at one of the houses and began to speak more of Jesus. It was a church service, but it was. It was a bunch of believers sitting around sharing about how good God was, we shared some songs and prayed with those who wanted to accept Jesus as their Lord. This was why we had come. The next day I spoke with this group about how to speak with God, how to pray. It was my first time to share anything like this in Spanish. I am not sure how much they understood, but it was one of the reasons that I had come. 

Our theme on this trip had been, count the cost. What are we willing to pay for these people to hear the gospel? What was I willing to pay? A little bit of comfort? Was I willing to itch and be hot and dirty, for their sake? To see my son covered in bug bites and worry every second he is going to get parasites? People always look at us as missionaries and think we are so great to leave our homes and families and life in our comfortable countries to go and be uncomfortable and we do those things, but we are uncomfortable and we cry and we complain and we are not as joyful as we should be. Sometimes it’s about obedience and not about the excitement. Sometimes we just obey, even without having joy. Sometimes we just do what we gotta do, because we gotta do it. 

Goals

Jacob and I sat around the dinner table, our faithful dog at our feet, in our great house, with wonderful friends. I looked at Jacob and said "We've arrived." We had great jobs, great enough income, a great car that we had gotten a great price, and a safe neighborhood full of people like us. We finally made it to the destination neither of us had any desire to be at. We had accomplished every goal we had never set out to have. When Jacob and I had decided that a life in another country, preaching the Word, was for us, separately in our hearts, even before we were married, we had decided that nothing was going to stop us. People have often asked us why we don't get good jobs and live in the states and preach to people here? They need it to. And they are right, and we do. Everywhere we are we speak the gospel and the greatest way we do that, is in our lives. By giving up everything we could have and getting what God really wants to give us. God has provided the best for us in the states and life has been easy because of it, but if tomorrow he took it all away, neither of us would have lost anything. We have all these things and we hold them with open hands, they can be taken or given at any moment. We are more than willing to do whatever God says to do. We have often said that if God called us to live in the states that would be the ultimate sacrifice for us. Not that we hate nice stuff, but that is not what God has put into the DNA of our calling. He said go, and he has molded us and changed us and made us into people more than willing to go, so that everyday we aren't making a sacrifice, we are living out our purpose with joy and peace; we are were God wants us and when you are there is nothing that can steal your peace. I don't want to toot our own horn, but encourage you to be exactly where God has you and you will have peace and confidence.

Shadows

Growing up in a big family, and I'm sure this happens in small families too, I was identified as someones daughter, or little sister. Hardly did I stand on my own. Although it was nice to sometimes enjoy the privilege that came with saying I am so and so's daughter, there was this constant shadow hanging over me; I could not seem to shake it. With this shadow came expectations; being the little sister meant that I should be just as brilliant as my older siblings, or as well behaved etc. finally I left home and went somewhere, where no one knew anything about my family. It was just me. I built my reputation on its own foundation. I was a clean slate, I could make you see whatever I wanted you to see. You had no one to compare me with. I loved this new sense of self. Finding myself. Creating myself. Becoming who I always wanted to be. I had confidence and I had insecurities, but it was me. The good, the bad, the ugly, it was me. I found myself, than a crazy thing happened, I got married; now I became my husbands wife. It was no longer just me; I had put myself back under someones shadow. I was lost behind him. Who would ever see me now? Would my talents be recognized? Would I be liked for me? Would I only be invited as his plus one for every event? Would my opinion matter? This person I had worked so hard to create, to become, to allow the world to see, to shine so bright, was being hidden in the shadow of my husband. It wasn't his fault or anything he did, it was the way the world saw us. I had left my world and entered his world and became only his wife. But than another crazy thing happened; the Lord met me there. He found me in the shadows, because he had put me there. You see, there was this women that I had created. The self confident women. I had created myself. I began to rely on the people around me and the things that I did to define who I was. In the shadows the Lord began to mold me and shape me into the women HE wanted me to be. In the shadows is where I began to find myself in christ. I started to become the women that God had always created me to be. Not self confident, but God confident. I no longer rely on others to define me, I rely on God to tell me who I am. What I think. How I feel. What I believe. What I should say and what I should not say. I am found in the shadow of HIS wings. I am not in my husbands shadow, or my families shadow. I am in the shadow of my creator. The author and finisher of my faith. God has a unique plan and purpose for my life. One only I can fulfill. So I must stay in HIS shadow and be defined by HIS standards to become the women HE always intended me to be. 

“And I have put My words in your mouth; I have covered you with the shadow of My hand, That I may plant the heavens, Lay the foundations of the earth.”

Isaiah 51:16 NKJV

My Husband Brings Out the Worst in Me

When my brother got married, he told me it's such a wonderful example of our relationship with God, and we can understand the love of God better. At that point I didn't really care about being married, but his words always stuck in the back of my head and now that I'm married I see how true that is. My husband and I have been married ten months. We aren't experts and I am expecting to learn a lot more than I have, but right now I have learned so much, about marriage, him and myself. I always wanted my marriage to be a certain way before I was married, and now I still have a way I want it to be, but it is different. My husband loves me, I know that. I believe it. But I have to believe it like I believe God loves me, because I am not perfect, because I am messed up, I don't always act as though I believe it. I have irrational thoughts, insecurities get the best of me, and sometimes I question his love and loyalty. If I sat down to think about it, I'd see my insecurity, but sometimes I don't, I believe the lies. This is just like God, we know he loves us, but we don't always act like it, we question it, because we can't understand it, instead of just accepting it as faith. My husband isn't perfect, but as long as he says "I love you" that is the only truth I can hold onto. I thought that when I met the right person, they would bring out the best in me. And maybe that is true, but to get to that good stuff, it's like cleaning out the garage, you have to pull out everything, and I do mean EVERYTHING, out into the open, in the driveway for people to see, so that you can find the good stuff. My husband brings out every ugly thing inside me. Every nasty thing in my heart is exposed. You can never know a real person until you've lived with them for a while, that's when you see all the junk. Much to my horror, I have completely exposed my ugly side to my husband, that side I thought we could keep hidden, but God said "nope!" He has allowed the differences in Jacob to pull out my ugly-ness and throw it away and its painful, frustrating, and hard! My flesh is crying out to be first! It wants its own way! It wants to be right! Who cares who gets hurt, I want to be right! My marriage is sandpaper to my flesh, it's rubbing away all the impurities and smoothing me out. We think we have a right to say the other person must change too, and maybe they need to, but like Jesus told Peter, don't worry about what he is doing or not doing in that other guy, worry about what he's doing in your life. I was reading a book for woman about marriage (books I loathe!!) and a reoccurring theme is that you can argue with your husband and end up being right, but you might also end up alone. Although this makes my flesh cringe, because I have to be right, it also brings life to my spirit. This is what Jesus teaches us, lay yourself down for your neighbor. He is taking out my junk and replacing it with his love and compassion, helping me to see clearly, so that when someone who has a need comes my way, I can see clearly to help them and not judge them. He is not just changing me for me, but for those around me, and he's using my marriage to do it. So if you're thinking of marriage, be ready to be changed. It's not flowers and romance that will make you a better person, its not really that other persons goodness that will change you, but rather it's the rough side of your spouse that will smooth out your selfishness, tear away your flesh and make you like Jesus. As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.

Who am I serving?

Maybe I don't know what culture shock is, but my understanding had been that it only happens in other countries or when you have spent a long time over seas and their culture starts to frustrate you or you go back "home" and "everyone is so selfish!". What I've learned from culture shock recently is this, it can hit you at any time, at any place, it's that moment when you realize you're stuck. When reality hits you. You've signed up for an assignment and you didn't realize what that was exactly. You feel claustrophobic, like stuck in a cave, everything seems black and hopeless. You lose purpose, you lose sense of who you are, what you're doing with your life. 

Moving from a northern culture that I was comfortable with to a southern culture that was less than home to me, was a shock. When I signed up for a missionaries life I knew it meant leaving my family, leaving my state and going wherever my Lord asked me to go, but I didn't know it meant Mississippi. I thought it meant the jungles of Colombia. The villages of India. The mountains of Papua New Guinea. The Great Wall of China. Not a small blimp on a map. 

This isn't the first time God has brought to my attention that my focus is on doing rather than being with him, but obviously I didn't learn it, because I still cry and pout that I'm not doing "great things for God". He never asked me to me to go the jungles or the villages and tribes, he asked me to obedient to go wherever he sent me, to do all that he asked, and to say all that he told me to say. Who am I serving? God or missions? What is my heart after, my God or myself? 

As we begin this New Year, I pose the same question to you. Who are you living for? God or self? Where will you spend your time, money and resources? Getting to know your creator or just doing? 

Rice Noodles

Cambodia and Vietnam are two different countries in so many ways. Beyond their different border lines, lay two different cultures; the opposite of each other, neither like the other. In Cambodia you saw smiling faces, there was joy on their hearts. They had hope. They had freedom. Vietnam was heavy. Not many smiles, no joy, there was little hope. On the outside they had buildings of beauty, but behind was their ugly past, that wasn't going to be easily erased. You found children abandoned, Christians persecuted; constant fear. Those who labor there every day have a lot of work ahead of them, but God's grace is sufficient. 

                House of Grace Children            

                        (Cambodia) 

The truth about a country as a whole is not fully seen in a couple of days, but first impressions speak volumes. There is still much labor to be done in both countries to bring in the harvest, but there are few workers. 

My time in Asia this time was vastly different from my first trip to China at 19. I was give the privilege to hold an orphans hand and extend love that might not have been there before; I spoke to underground church pastors and ate a lot of rice noodles. It was a wonderful time to meet fellow workers of Grace International and workers for the kingdom. 

I found that I didn't "feel" a particular call to either of these countries to be in full time, but what do I know about what tomorrow may bring?...